guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
