I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?