I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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