I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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