This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
