so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
