I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There r osticjed everywhere
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
