A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
