I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
