so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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