Betty ford says i'm here all night
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
