Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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