it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
