I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
