i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
3pm strippers are depressing
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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