Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
