She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
