I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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