beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
