I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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