I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
