i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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