she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
