I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
