So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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