Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just want to make out with him forever
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
