New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
