I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
