a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
