she was so not down for the gang bang
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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