Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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