Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
