I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
