your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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