I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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