I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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