My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
