I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
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For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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