Can i not drive my cunt home
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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