You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
