You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
