2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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