Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
