Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
