Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
