My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
