Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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