Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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