so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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