he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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