Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
