it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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