I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
